she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
