either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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