Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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