it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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