My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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