Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
