What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
