My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He has the fingertips of a God
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
