she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
soo... how was my night?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
