So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
