so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
