I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
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Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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