shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
