were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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