the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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