What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
