did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize