I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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