I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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