You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
