I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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