I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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