Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
