Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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