I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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