Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
