I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
