i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Floor bacon is actually really good
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
