I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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