erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
