Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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