You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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