I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
