Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
