i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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