Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
