My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
