Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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