How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
