found the other keg... it's in the tree
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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