I'm eating all of the evidence.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
