How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
