My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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