I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
