I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
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omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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