Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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