You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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