So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
