I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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