Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
