We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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