You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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