I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
