she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
