I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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