hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
