my mouth tastes like poor choices
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
