Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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