My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
