Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
