a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
